Dear Joely: Too Loud, Too Late, Too Attractive

Dear Joely,

I'm a 32 year old woman, living in an apartment block of eight units in Melbourne. I've been very happy here, except that about six months ago, the flat upstairs from me sold and a guy moved in that makes a lot of noise, often late into the night. He plays a sax and thinks nothing of practising until 1.30am. He also watches TV with the volume up really loud until all hours. It makes it hard for me to sleep.

To make it worse, I've seen the culprit collecting his mail a couple of times and he's actually really attractive, in a slightly wild sort of way. That aside, I feel like asking him to keep the noise down might annoy him and escalate the problem... and I really don't want that. On the other hand, my sleep and quality of life are being affected.

I'm having visions of becoming like Mr Heckles in Friends... letting my feelings be known with a broomstick.

I hope you can help.

Exasperated and Slightly Enamoured

Dear Exasperated and Slightly Enamoured,

Of course he’s attractive. These men are never a balding accountant in sensible loafers. They always arrive looking like they’ve been assembled by a casting director specifically to ruin your judgment.

Let me say this plainly: the fact that he is good-looking does not make him less of a pain in the arse.

Practising saxophone until 1.30am in an apartment block is not bohemian. It is antisocial. Watching television at full volume into the small hours is not free-spirited. It is selfish. He may be wild, but at present he is wild in the manner of a fox in a wheelie bin.

That said, your instinct is right. Going in blazing with a broomstick and a sleep-deprived speech about common decency is unlikely to produce a man who says, “My God, thank you for showing me the error of my ways.”

So. First move: calm, civil, direct.

Catch him in daylight, when neither of you is in your pyjamas and homicidal, and say something simple:

“Hi — I just wanted to mention that the sound travels quite a lot in the building, especially late at night. I’ve been hearing the sax and TV pretty clearly, and it’s been affecting my sleep. Would you mind keeping it down after about 10 or 11?”

That is not aggressive. That is normal adult communication. You are not asking him to stop existing. You are asking him not to turn your ceiling into Birdland at midnight.

If he is decent, that will be enough.

If he apologises and improves, excellent. You may continue finding him attractive from a safe emotional distance while also getting some REM sleep.

If he is vague, dismissive, or improves for three days and then resumes his late-night jazz odyssey, then you escalate in the least theatrical way possible: body corporate, building manager, strata, whatever version of adult bureaucracy your block runs on. Keep notes. Dates, times, type of noise. Boring, yes. Effective, also yes.

The key thing is this: do not let your slight enamourment convince you that you must be endlessly charming, understanding, or game about this. You do not owe a handsome nuisance extra tolerance. Quite the reverse. Beauty should be quiet after midnight.

And for the record, becoming Mr Heckles with a broomstick is a stage to avoid, not aspire to. Once you are striking the ceiling in a rage, the situation has already won.

Go and be polite. Then be firmer if needed. There is nothing unsexy about boundaries, and if he can’t cope with a neighbour asking for sleep, he is not nearly as interesting as his cheekbones suggest.

Yours, in defence of sleep and standards,

Joely

Dear Joely: Mixed Signals

Dear Joely,

I’ve been seeing a man for six months. He can be thoughtful, funny, and incredibly attentive when we’re together, but in between he goes oddly vague. Sometimes he texts constantly for days, then disappears into silence and resurfaces as though nothing has happened. When I ask where I stand, he says he’s “confused” and doesn’t want to rush things. I am old enough to know better, but apparently not old enough to stop checking my phone like a woman awaiting news from the front. He says he cares about me. I think he probably does. I’m just no longer sure that caring is the same thing as showing up. Am I being impatient, or am I volunteering for my own heartbreak?

Signed,

Still Waiting in Wangaratta

Dear Still Waiting,

There are many humiliations in life. One of the more avoidable is mistaking inconsistency for depth.

A man who wants you is not usually this confusing for this long. He may indeed be confused, but confusion can be surprisingly comfortable when someone else is doing all the waiting. It allows him warmth without responsibility, intimacy without decision, and your hope without the inconvenience of your standards.

You are not asking for too much. You are asking for coherence. There is a difference.

The trouble is not that he disappears now and then. The trouble is that each disappearance is followed by just enough tenderness to keep you interpreting the gaps as mystery rather than information. But gaps are information. Vagueness is information. “I don’t want to rush things” after six months is information wearing a soft hat.

If you want to give this one last, dignified chance, do it plainly. Tell him you’re no longer available for half-presence and see whether he steps forward or blurs again. Then believe what happens next.

Love may be complicated. Interest is usually not.

Yours, but not surprised,

Joely