Dear Joely: Mixed Signals

Dear Joely,

I’ve been seeing a man for six months. He can be thoughtful, funny, and incredibly attentive when we’re together, but in between he goes oddly vague. Sometimes he texts constantly for days, then disappears into silence and resurfaces as though nothing has happened. When I ask where I stand, he says he’s “confused” and doesn’t want to rush things. I am old enough to know better, but apparently not old enough to stop checking my phone like a woman awaiting news from the front. He says he cares about me. I think he probably does. I’m just no longer sure that caring is the same thing as showing up. Am I being impatient, or am I volunteering for my own heartbreak?

Signed,

Still Waiting in Wangaratta

Dear Still Waiting,

There are many humiliations in life. One of the more avoidable is mistaking inconsistency for depth.

A man who wants you is not usually this confusing for this long. He may indeed be confused, but confusion can be surprisingly comfortable when someone else is doing all the waiting. It allows him warmth without responsibility, intimacy without decision, and your hope without the inconvenience of your standards.

You are not asking for too much. You are asking for coherence. There is a difference.

The trouble is not that he disappears now and then. The trouble is that each disappearance is followed by just enough tenderness to keep you interpreting the gaps as mystery rather than information. But gaps are information. Vagueness is information. “I don’t want to rush things” after six months is information wearing a soft hat.

If you want to give this one last, dignified chance, do it plainly. Tell him you’re no longer available for half-presence and see whether he steps forward or blurs again. Then believe what happens next.

Love may be complicated. Interest is usually not.

Yours, but not surprised,

Joely