Dear Joely: The Case of the Wandering Toe
Four neighbours, drinks beneath the stars and one supposedly civilised spa arrangement. Everything is lovely — until an adventurous toe begins crossing boundaries below the waterline.
Dear Joely,
I am fortunate to live in one of the nicer areas of Sydney with my husband and our two young children. All is as well as can be in those departments.
We are very good friends with our neighbours across the street. They are a couple, about ten years older than us. Every month or so, the four of us get together for drinks and some food. We alternate between our houses as the venue.
We both have spas in our yards and, at the end of these evenings, we usually end up having a tub together, with more drinks and chats. We don’t wear clothes on these occasions. This isn’t for any racy reason. It just came about because none of us normally wears clothes when in our own spa, so we figured: why would we start on these social evenings?
Nothing is made of the nudity, and we all really enjoy chatting together in the warm tub under the stars.
All good so far, but the problem is this: the male neighbour has taken to touching me underwater with his toe.
I don’t mean an accidental touch. I mean he is putting his toe between my legs and looking for encouragement.
This is incredibly awkward for me. If I call it out when it’s happening, that’s the evening — and possibly future get-togethers — finished. Or he could deny it.
If I speak to the female neighbour about it alone — we are very close as friends — she might feel awkward or jealous, or not believe me.
I told my husband, and he seems more amused than anything.
I don’t want to encourage him in any way. I like things, apart from this problem, as they are.
I learned of your page from a different friend and thought — hoped — you might be able to help.
Yours
Unwanted Toe Attention
Dear Unwanted Toe Attention,
What a beautifully civilised arrangement you have created: good friends, warm water, drinks beneath the stars — and one man’s big toe attempting to start a separate social programme.
Let us clear up the only part that appears to be confusing anyone. Being naked in a spa is not an invitation to be touched. Your neighbour knows the difference between an accidental brush of the foot and deliberately placing his toe between your legs while watching to see what happens next.
This is not a rogue limb. He is conducting a small underwater feasibility study:
Will she react?
Will she say anything?
Might the toe be permitted to return?
The answer to the final question must be no.
You do not need to turn the evening into a neighbourhood emergency or suddenly announce, “Whose toe is that, and why is it there?”
Although it would settle the question rather efficiently.
The next time it happens, move away, look directly at him and say quietly:
“Please don’t do that again.”
No nervous laugh. No apology. No long explanation that allows him to pretend you have misunderstood the fascinating migratory habits of his foot.
If he denies it, simply say:
“Good. Then it won’t happen again.”
That is all you need.
I would not begin by speaking privately to his wife. He created the problem, and it should not be handed to the two women to manage between them over coffee. Speaking to her first also gives him the opportunity to deny it before you have ever addressed him directly.
Your husband’s amusement deserves a second conversation too. Tell him plainly that you are not flattered, entertained or secretly enjoying the attention. You feel uncomfortable and sexually intruded upon, and you need him to take that seriously. He does not have to storm across the street with a pool noodle unless that is what you want, but he does need to stop treating it as a saucy neighbourhood anecdote.
You are worried that objecting may spoil the evening or end future gatherings.
But darling, the evenings are already being spoiled. You are sitting in warm, bubbling water wondering whether a toe is about to make another covert border crossing while everyone discusses schools, renovations and interest rates above the surface.
That is no way to relax.
One calm, unmistakable boundary may be enough to return the foot to ordinary civilian life. Should it happen again, I would retire the shared spa evenings altogether. Not because nudity caused the problem, but because one guest has shown that he cannot be trusted with the arrangement.
Warm water, cold drinks and neighbourly nudity can coexist perfectly well.
They simply require all four adults — and all forty toes — to behave themselves.
Yours, with both feet firmly where they belong,
Joely